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Grant and I had a great time in Austin, and returned to Chicago where my travel schedule picked right up again.

Redecorating and Remodeling the Condo

Grant had been talking for a long time about some updating I could do on the apartment. I had already had the kitchen redone, and the new flooring put in, but I had not done anything with the rest of the place. Together, Grant and I came to the conclusion that I needed new carpeting (the orange shag was very dated and quite worn in spots), new wall coverings (either paint or wallpaper) and, most of all, some new furniture.

I didn't have the feeling that Grant was just spending money for the hell of it, but that he honestly thought that I would be happier if I made some changes. We spent some time looking at carpet and wallpaper samples, and Grant helped me pick some out. We also went furniture shopping, and Grant began to give me some ideas on what I might buy. Grant's own taste runs to antique American, but he was quite happy to help me select some more modern things from Ethan Allan. Early in October, we got rid of a lot of my old stuff (the two sofas, the old bookcase and my old TV stand), and purchased some new wall units, new sofa and chairs and a new television. We got rid of all the old stuff, and moved the rest onto the wood floor so that new carpet could be laid. I recall that when I left for New York on the last day of September, Grant had arranged for the carpet installers to come during the week when he could watch them.

A Bombshell

On Friday, October 5th, I returned from my trip, and Grant met me as usual at the airport to drive downtown. He seemed subdued. When we got to the apartment, the carpeting looked great (it was a moderate brown tone), but the furniture had not been delivered yet and the wallpaper was in the middle of being installed. The apartment was a mess, but it looked like it would look great once everything was done. Grant wanted to go down to Orso's Italian Restaurant for dinner, so we did. It was during dinner that the shoe dropped.

The first thing Grant said was that he loved me. That made me feel wonderful, for I certainly liked him a great deal- more than anyone I had met before. But, Grant said, that love was so great that he couldn't take just seeing me on weekends. There was my job again, getting in the way of another relationship. Grant said he had a wonderful time in Austin, and was having fun helping me with the apartment, but that everything we did together reminded him that we were only together on weekends, and that, he said, was not something he could live with.

There wasn't much I could say, or do. There is a lot of work out there for me to do and, while I do very well by it, it does take a lot of time. I told Grant that I would try to schedule more time off, but he said that he didn't want to be the cause of me avoiding the work that I so obviously enjoyed. Grant thought it would be better if we broke up. Well, that pretty much broke both of us up, and the rest of the dinner and the walk back to the apartment were quiet. I liked Grant a great deal, and didn't want to lose him, but there wasn't much I could do, at least right away.

When we walked back into the apartment, I saw the disarray, and I think Grant noticed that, because he told me he would continue to help me with the renovations until they were done. But much of the reason I was making the changes was for Grant; even though the place would look good, he wouldn't be there to share it.

Grant didn't stay. He thought we should move apart right away. It wasn't anyone else; he made sure I understood that. It was just that he wanted someone to be around seven days a week, not just one or two. It was a sad parting, and I will always remember it. I will always remember closing the door after him, and turning around to face the empty, quiet apartment, with nothing in its old familiar place. I just couldn't stay there; I had to get out and be around people, so I changed clothes and went out to Touché, a favorite bar of Grant and myself.

Aftermath

Apparently, Grant had the same idea; he was the first person I saw when I walked in. We just exchanged glances and moved apart. I don't know how long he stayed. I do know that I needed some companionship, and I was lucky enough to meet a man named Robert Johnson from Milwaukee. He was good-looking and nice to talk to, and we ended up going home together. It was an odd feeling, having someone else in the apartment other than Grant, but I just needed the attention.

I left the next day for New Orleans. I talked to Grant on the telephone about the apartment twice, and we talked some more about his feelings about our relationship. I thought he was genuinely upset that he, himself, couldn't handle the situation; he never indicated that I had done anything wrong. Quite the contrary, he said. If I had been any less of the person he loved, breaking up would have not been so difficult. I also talked to Bob in Milwaukee. After spending just one night together, he had called three or four times to see if I would come up to Milwaukee to visit him. When I returned home that weekend, there were three letters from him. He had become very attached very quickly.

The wallpapering got done, and the furniture got delivered, and Grant came by to help me arrange it. We were still friendly, but the relationship was much different. I traveled again the next week, and the next weekend did go up to Milwaukee to spend some time with Bob. It was during that weekend that I realized that Bob could not be a substitute for Grant; while I liked Bob, he did not have the qualities that I had come to love in Grant. Bob seemed hurt when I suggested that we, too, just remain as friends, rather than move the relationship to a higher level. He has continued to write occasionally, but he is now planning to move to Denver (not because of me), so the relationship would have ended in any case.

Rebirth

I talked to Grant again during the next week of travel. By Friday, he told me that he would like to see me that weekend, and would pick me up at the airport like he used to do. He did, and took me downtown where we spent some time doing some more re-arranging in the apartment. Then he said he would like to talk again.

I was happy to hear Grant tell me that the three weeks we had been apart had gotten him to realize that spending any amount of time with me was better than none at all, and, although he still wished I could be around more than I was, he wanted to get back to the way we were. I didn't stop to think about it at all; I was happy to have him back in my life, and through the rest of October and November, things got back to normal. I had Thanksgiving week off, and that was a great week for the two of us. I got to meet many of Grant's friends, and see where he worked.

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